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The Mother-Function Truth

 




There’s a phrase that makes me cringe every time I hear it: “high-functioning alcoholic.” It’s the kind of oxymoron that deserves a seat next to “jumbo shrimp” and “deafening silence.” And yet, here I am, staring at an infographic from JourneyPure River, detailing famous “high-functioning alcoholics” as if it’s a badge of honor. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

First off, let’s clear something up. If you’re functioning, you’re not an alcoholic—you’re a hard drinker. Alcoholism, by definition, is the point where the drink stops being an accessory to life and starts being the conductor of your one-man train wreck. Calling someone a “high-functioning alcoholic” is like saying a house is “high-functioning” while it’s burning down—sure, the walls are still standing, but for how long?

The article spotlights individuals like Ernest Hemingway and Judy Garland, describing them as “famous high-functioning alcoholics who accomplished great things despite their addiction.” Let’s not romanticize this. Hemingway’s “great things” included masterpieces of literature, sure, but also an untimely death tied to the very bottle that fueled his “functionality.” Garland, a screen legend, spent her life battling demons exacerbated by alcohol and other substances. Their stories aren’t tales of triumph; they’re cautionary sagas of what happens when the bottle wins.

For years, I lived in the illusion of functionality. I could get up, go to work, crack a joke or two, and string together sentences that sounded like they belonged to someone sober. But inside? I was a walking dumpster fire. The article mentions, “The ability to maintain careers and relationships while struggling with alcohol is what defines high-functioning alcoholics.” Here’s the rub: “maintain” doesn’t mean thrive. It means treading water while carrying a lead weight, knowing full well that eventually, you’re going to sink.

The infographic seems to dance around the hard truth with a level of finesse that’d make Fred Astaire proud. It’s sprinkled with facts and tidbits that almost make it sound quirky, like “Did you know so-and-so was a high-functioning alcoholic?” It’s like trying to glamorize a hurricane because it’s good for the ecosystem—sure, it might leave some fertile soil, but it’s going to destroy a lot in the process.

I’ll admit, for the longest time, I wished I could drink normally. I’d see friends savoring a single glass of wine or clinking beers at a barbecue, and I’d think, “Why can’t that be me?” But normal drinking wasn’t in the cards for me. My relationship with alcohol was less “first date butterflies” and more “stockholm syndrome.” Eventually, I reached a point where I realized I wouldn’t drink even if I could do it safely. The trade-off isn’t worth it.

The article claims, “Acknowledging the existence of high-functioning alcoholics can help reduce stigma and encourage people to seek help.” Fair enough. If we can use the term to crack open the door for someone to step into recovery, I’m all for it. But let’s not sugarcoat the situation. Alcoholism isn’t a quirky character trait or an interesting factoid. It’s a disease, and it’s devastating.

So, here I am, a guy writing books and shouting at the proverbial clouds over an article that’s probably meant to entertain. But what the hell do I even know? Maybe I’m just salty because I see too much of my old self in the description of “high-functioning alcoholics.” Or maybe I’m tired of seeing addiction dressed up in a costume that’s more palatable for the masses. Either way, let’s call it what it is. Functionality is just the mask. The disease is the reality.

If you want to read the full article and draw your own conclusions, you can find it here: Famous High-Functioning Alcoholics Infographic.

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