Don't Fight It

“His joyful celebration is short-lived though, and the festering madness returns in full force. His mind is running wild. Irrational resentments, egoic thoughts of betrayal, a feverish obsession with vengeance, and much more that is virtually impossible to describe with human language. The medley of troubling sentiments leaves the very fiber of his soul with a prevailing feeling of complete and total emotional isolation. A lethal culmination of the past three months or so, when he barely put anything in his body that was not alcohol or drugs…”

-Demons Within

 

The Battle of Egos is a phrase used metaphorically to describe competitions that are based on pride and often entail prodigious and arrogant demonstrations of prowess. The idiom is usually used figuratively, and often refer to forms of Ego-driven battling in a pejorative manner. That’s a lot of big words to just say pissing contest.

Ego Battles are widespread, and they transcend nearly every facet of life. The competition between television advertisements during the Super Bowl has been described as a battle of Egos, and was even given the nickname The Ego Bowl. Most collective bargaining disputes are described as a battle of Egos. Nearly every sporting event can be described as a battle of Egos, between players, coaching staff, and even the fans. And if you think it’s just a problem that’s prevalent in the Western world, you would be mistaken. A Tehran newspaper described the dispute between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein as a battle of Egos, and nearly every action of Vladmir Putin can be attributed to his insatiable Ego.

Now the point of this essay isn’t about the battle between two distinct Egos, but the battle between your true self, the awareness that observes, and your Ego. It’s the battle within your own mind, between right and wrong, presence and absence, and holdings on or letting go. And it may seem counterintuitive, but one way to defeat the Ego is to not actually fight it at all.

In Demons Within, Bill Dillard has a huge problem identifying with his Ego, just like myself when I was descending to the brink of alcoholism and mental illness. As I discussed in The Past and the Ego, the Ego loves to keep us trapped in the past, always rehashing old hurts, perceived mistakes, and ancient regrets. The Ego also loves to worry about future events, even though they don’t actually exist. To sum it up briefly, the Ego always tries to pull you out of the present moment, the only time that actually does exist, and swirls up negative thought patterns in a persistent and relentless desire for self-preservation.

So how do you use the Ego, as opposed to entering battle with it?

First, you must listen to it. Watch it. Separate yourself from it, and remember that you aren’t your Ego. Label it as such, and know that the Ego is the culmination of all your experiences on this Earth up to the present moment. And know that the Ego has the unique ability to venture into future experiences that don’t exist, and it tries to get you to believe in a fabricated storyline of anxiety, confrontation, and pretty much everything that can and will go wrong.

And when you effectively separate yourself from the Ego, and acknowledge it as the hurt child it truly is, the Ego will fiercely resist. It will try to lure you into a fight within your own mind, and may even ramp up the Egoic ramblings.

But you keep acknowledging it, observing it, and eventually you may even laugh at it. After a while, your Ego will soften and begin to let up a bit. And this is where you open up room for you heart and soul to find love from spirit. This is where you center yourself and become immersed in the moment. And your Egoic thought patterns start to quiet down.

And when the Ego softens and makes room for spirit, it will make subtle and sinister attempts to reenter the battle. Watch for how it dresses up as the spirit and mimics it. Like a toddler putting on their mother's clothes and pretending to be her. It's still the Ego, doing Ego things, so keep watching it rather than being it. And don’t fight it.

Feel all this in your body, because when the ego speaks in the language of fear, the body responds. Many pains are merely physical, but many are brought about from within. Muscle pains, intestinal issues, migraine, to name a few. The vice grip of anxiety, see it pang with each fearful idea the ego concocts. Feel how it feels. Feel it dissipate as you place your focus on the pain. Feel the neutrality afterwards, and breathe love into that space.

Love and joy come from the spirit place, and yet through suffering, we come to know that love and joy again. And again. And again.

Then, as this love and spirit is felt, and the Ego begins to fade from your identity, you can acquire a sense of honesty and humility about your Ego’s choices. You begin to see where you’ve been wronged, and understand what drove you to those attitudes and behaviors. The drive of the Ego can lead you way off course, sacrificing truth in the process.

Oftentimes, a desire to be right can build a wall from that truth. The Ego loves to tell a story – the one that makes us look good – rather than the ugly one that reveals our mistakes and weaknesses. Once you find that truth, you then question your aims. Figure out which passions, desires, and identities are the Ego wanting its way. When the Ego is left unchecked, it can drive you towards selfish patterns and attachments. And the Ego is never satisfied, and you’ll only be left exhausted and unfulfilled if you don’t work with it. If you find that you are always aiming to be better than others, that’s the Ego trying to create more separation. Instead, aim to build a better community, a better sense of Being, and a better awareness of your true self.

You then can see how the misdirected energies of the Ego can be used for a greater good. Not fighting your Ego allows the Ego to transform, and it can open a higher level of consciousness. It allows for the choice of surrender, acceptance, and letting go of irrational anger and resentment.

The Ego cooperates because your love for it melts the various identities that conflict within you. And once you cease to fight yourself, all of your energy can be directed to a purpose beyond the Ego.

So next time you find yourself in conflict with others, try to look within and see if you can use that conflict to learn about your Ego. You may just find that your struggles with others might just be a struggle against yourself. And who needs that shit?

 

Mill P

The Mill P Writes NewsHour Episode 2

The Newsman discusses a unique method for navigating recovery, then delves into new research on a common conversational faux pas. FUN!

It Works If You Work It

 

“It’s going. Been going for years now. The fellowship of AA saved my life. And now…it literally saved it.” Martindale sighs and his smile turns into a frown. “If my friends didn’t show up for the meeting, I would be dead.”

-Demons Within, Guy Martindale

 

It works if you work it is one of the most common and profound sayings in twelve step groups. It means that there is no magical cure in the information you get in the program, and that nothing will happen just by hearing and reading the literature. But if you do the work, and you turn those words into practice, you make progress. And recovery is all about progress, not perfection.

That means you do the steps, you read the Big Book, you get a sponsor, you go to meetings, and you develop a healthy routine and lifestyle that promotes a spiritual awakening. We live in a world of right now, and we want the results we seek yesterday. But there is no magic wand or elixir that will bring you the life you deserve to live. You have to put the sweat equity into your recovery, because overcoming the demons within requires a full physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual makeover.

Recovery is a lifetime journey, and this can be a tough pill to swallow for those in early recovery. Thinking of doing anything for your entire life is incredibly daunting, which is why you must look at it one day at a time. All you need is a daily reprieve from the spiritual malady of alcoholism and addiction. And during that daily reprieve, you need to focus on what you can do in the here and now to move yourself forward. And that takes work.

Anything we want to be good at takes work, and it takes a ton of practice. If you want to swing like Tiger Woods, throw like Aaron Rodgers, or ball like Brunson (go Knicks), you have to put in the blood, sweat, and tears. And recovery takes that same dedication and perseverance.   

The first few months of sobriety are the hardest task you will ever have to complete. Anyone who claims it is all rainbows and butterflies and joy and love…well…anyone who thinks such things has lost touch with the pain and agony of early recovery.

And you will have those bad days, often referred to as a case of the fuck-its, when the thought of doing anything in the name of recovery seems like the most difficult thing in the world. But those days are the most crucial days to obtaining the life you want. No matter what, you have to keep going to meetings, keep journaling, keep meditating, and keep taking suggestions from the people who have been their before. And you wake up with gratitude.

Negatively confronting the day is sure to complicate any experiences. A simple misunderstanding can be exaggerated into a grave situation, requiring the energy of many people to handle it. On the other hand, a patient, trusting, loving attitude can turn a grave situation into a positive learning experience for all affected. And this is why you must tend to your heart, mind, and soul every day.

The heart, mind, and soul need just as much work and repetition as the body. If you are physically weak and want to get stronger, do you just sit on your ass and watch Netflix? No, you don’t. You find a strength training program, get to the gym, and get your ass under a barbell. The same goes for recovery.

After a while, you’ll start to notice some changes in your thoughts and behaviors. You’ll start to meet life head-on, and with a smile. When it comes down to it, our attitudes shape our world – which is not to deny that problems do occur. Instead, realize that problems can be viewed as opportunities for personal growth. And this way of viewing the world is something that is pounded into your psyche when working the program. The stumbling blocks you encounter in life become jumping-off points that push you beyond your present awareness. They teach you that you are stronger and more creative then you ever thought, and you become entirely ready to receive the gift of recovery.

Because the gift of recovery is not being free from mistakes. Instead, you do the Steps to claim your mistakes and talk about them. Then you find the gift of recovery when you learn from your mistakes

And you will be receiving many gifts from people in the programs: gifts of help, time, energy, possibly money, talents, and knowledge. You will never be able to pay them all back. You are not obligated to pay them back. You are obligated to be of service to others and give to them what is being so freely given to you today. Because it works if you fuckin’ work it, and that is non-negotiable. And there actually is a lesser known second part to the saying, and the full line goes like this: It works if you work it, and you are worth it. Because you are worth it. So just do the damn work. One step at a time…

 

Mill P

 

The Demons Within Podcast Episode 2 - "Contemplating Death"

Romantic Relationships and the Damn Ego

 

“This whole thing is pointless, Bill. The blame game, the accusations, the need to be right. The end of our relationship is not a matter of right and wrong. Why does something always have to be someone else’s fault?”

-Demons Within, Ginny

 

Romantic relationships are oftentimes the most complex and nuanced relationships anyone will ever have, and most of the problems that arise in these relationships come from our pesky little friend known as the Ego. As I’ve said in past posts, the Ego is the part of your mind that comments, doubts, and speculates on everything. The Ego’s primary fear is to be forgotten, so it almost never shuts up. And it does whatever it can to force you to identify with material, thought, and emotions, giving rise to what you think of as your “self.”

Most failed relationships are driven by the Ego. The Ego’s love is possession and control, and gaining something in exchange for giving. In relationships based on Ego, the love tends to fade when the other person stops providing enough emotional input and personal attention – the external supports without which the Ego falters.

In the early stages of romantic relationships, the Ego often initiates a form of role-playing (not that kind of roleplaying, though we don’t kink shame over at Mill P Writes. Go get it). The roleplaying I am referring to is the kind that develops in order to attract and keep whoever is perceived by the Ego as the person that is going to make you happy, make you feel whole, and fulfill all of your needs. It’s like an unspoken agreement in Egoic relationships, where you play the part of what you think your partner wants, and in turn, you expect your partner to play the role of who and what you want them to be.

But this kind of roleplaying is hard work, and it is unsustainable over the long run. When these roles inevitably start to slip up, it is an afront to the Ego, and its thwarted wanting turns into unpleasant behaviors like anger, resentment, and jealousy. These irrational and unjustified feelings are often directed at your partner, because they failed to alleviate the fear and sense of lack that is an intrinsic part of the Egoic sense of self.

The Ego ends up becoming the very obstacle to love, and most Egoic relationships turn into Ego wars. The Ego not only fears that loving will result in hurt, it also feels that if we love too deeply and too happily, we will abandon the Ego altogether. And since the Ego’s primary mission is self-preservation, it will do whatever it can to prevent this true love from existing.

What is commonly thought of as falling in love is oftentimes an identification of Egoic wanting and needing. You become attached to your partner, even addicted in a way. Or, more accurately, you become attached and addicted to the image of your partner that your Ego manifests. And it has nothing to do with true love.

The Ego is constantly comparing you to others, and constantly bringing up the past, and it’s always trying to plant seeds of irrational jealousy, envy, and resentment, waiting for the negativity to sprout and bear fruit whenever the next petty argument pops up. It’s why something as trivial as folding the laundry wrong or leaving the dishes in the sink can blow up into a full scale war.

And the Ego absolutely destroys self-confidence, and indiscriminately promotes self-doubt. In turn, that self-doubt fosters possessiveness. When we lack confidence in our own capabilities, when we fear we don’t measure up as men, we cling to old behavior and unhealthy habits, and attach ourselves to another person. Internally, we don’t feel whole, and we bestow the impossible task of expecting our partner to make us whole.

But that’s not how relationships work. You should never enter a relationship until you are already whole. You shouldn’t focus on finding the best person, but instead you should dedicate your time to becoming the best person you can. Then, and only then, should you put yourself out there and start looking for love.

Authentic love is selfless. It does not involve possession but rather a sense of admiration for the person without wanting to change or control anything about them, but rather share and contribute to their life. True love has no opposite. If your love does have an opposite, then it is not love at all. Your love is actually just a strong Ego. A need for a more complete and deeper sense of self. A need that the other person temporarily meets, but can never permanently sustain.

The vast majority of people who suffer from substance use disorders and alcoholism have powerfully out-of-whack Egos, that they can’t let go of identifying with. Their Egos prevent them from having high self-esteem, healthy coping skills, and robust abilities to regulate emotions. To counteract these Egoic problems, they turn to drinking and drugging, to numb the feelings that they can’t control.  So it goes without saying that for a person who is in the throes of active alcoholism, addiction, or mental illness, it is virtually impossible to maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

And as you know by now, to fully overcome alcoholism and addiction, you have to do more than just stop drinking and drugging. Drinking and drugging is just a symptom of the underlying problem. Even after achieving sobriety, recovering alcoholics still struggle with their relationships if they don’t figure out how to manage their Ego.

So the first step, which is the most difficult step for people in recovery, is to learn to love yourself. You can’t have love for others unless you first learn to love yourself. And once you achieve genuine self-love, when love from another is called for, it will be there in you¸ ready to express itself. And you will feel that special feeling that is so desperately sought, and inside, you are totally secure. Because everything you will ever need to possess is already within you, and you’ll be able to healthily confront the myriad difficulties that pop up when in a romantic relationship built on the foundation of true love.

True love may be the only thing that has no opposite, and while many would say that the opposite of love is hate, that is not the truth. All opposites come from our minds and Egos, which keeps us separated from others and creates the illusion of otherness between our fellow human beings and us. Once you can transcend the Ego, and overcome those opposites, you can naturally become closer to others, and create the much desired intimacy and connectedness you crave for.

Now with all this being said, what do I really know? I am single, I am not ready to mingle, and I have been the majority party responsible for the failures of all my past relationships. I was also a lost soul, unaware of the underlying issues that I needed to fix within myself. But, I’ve done the work, and I’ve witnessed true love blossom on many occasions. And the information I’ve relayed to you is what I have found to work. But still, this entire essay could just be my Ego, trying to tell other people the right way to live.

I guess we’ll never truly know. Thanks for reading.

 

Mill P

The Mill P Writes NewsHour with Greg Miller Episode 1!

 The first episode of the Mill P Writes Newshour is out now. In this episode, Newsman Greg Miller discusses new research into alcohol consumption. He also delves into a shocking story about Memorial Day Weekend.

Stay tuned for more!

Letting Go

 

I know you have demons. I just wish you would do something about them.” Bill’s gaze seemed to harden, but Ginny continued. “You need to let go. Metaphorically speaking. But also literally….you need to let go of the bottle.”

-Demons Within

 

Letting go is the thread that weaves the path of spirituality on the great loom that produces successful recovery from the insidious diseases of the mind and spirit. While every essay, podcast, performative piece, and video that I produce will have some element of letting go ingrained deeply into the specific topic, I wanted to make a quick sidebar that focuses directly on letting go itself.

In a practical sense, most people are torn between holding on and letting go. In most cultures, holding on is seen as a good thing. Holding onto your hopes, your dreams, your livelihood, and your faith. Holding onto relationships because breaking them off is often seen as a failure. Holding on to resentment and fear and a desperate need to be right. All of these things we hold onto, are things that feed the Ego. And the Ego almost always holds on too long, and it is rarely for the right reasons. The endless arguments, the revenge fantasies, the constant comparisons to those you are jealous of, the hours devoted to getting that perfect picture for your social media posts, to give off the impression that you are living a life that should be envied by all.

It’s all Ego, and it’s all bred from an inability to let go.

Oftentimes, we can turn to nature for wisdom. Because nature is pure, and it unfolds as the Universe intended, without the clutter, constraints, and chaotic complexities of the human Ego. To illustrate this point, and to convey a profound lesson on letting go, I’d like to tell you about baboons.

Yes, baboons.

In the desert regions of South Africa, the indigenous Bushmen have employed a rather clever tactic to find water. In the dry season, water is scarce and difficult to find. However, the one creature that can always locate the freshwater is the baboon.

Over centuries, the Bushmen developed a method to trick baboons into showing them where the water is hidden. They place nuts in a hollow tree, but the opening into the tree is barely large enough for a baboon to stick its hand in. When it reaches for the nuts and grabs a handful, the baboon can’t get its closed fist back out again. The baboon’s instinct for food is too great to let go of the nuts, so it is trapped. Hours go by, and eventually the baboon is too thirsty to stay. It lets go of the nuts, and immediately rushes to find water, with the Bushmen following closely. In this sense, the baboon serves as their unwitting guide.

The moral here is that as long as the baboon holds on to what it wants, it is trapped. But as soon as it lets go, it wins its freedom.

So as long as you cling to anything - any thoughts, feelings, frustrations, or unnecessary material things - you can’t be free. It comes down to how much you want to be free, and how much you want to let go.

One of the only real battles in life is between hanging on and letting go. So accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to let go of what weighs you down.

Mill P

Father's Day

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."

- Jim Valvano

Father's Day often plays second fiddle to Mother's Day. And the reason for this doesn't really matter, and I think that alone says all you need to know about Fathers.

With that being said, Father's Day is still a special occasion dedicated to honoring and appreciating the significant role that fathers play in our lives. It is a day to celebrate the irreplaceable influence of dads, who often serve as role models, providers, and a pillar of strength for their children. While mothers undeniably hold a unique place in our hearts, it's essential not to overlook the invaluable contributions and the impact that fathers have on their children's lives. Dads are not just "backup parents"; they are instrumental in shaping the future of their children and leaving a lasting legacy. On this Father's Day, let us delve into the importance of dads and acknowledge their role as leaders by example.

One of the most influential aspects of fatherhood lies in the ability of dads to lead by example. Children are like sponges, absorbing knowledge, behavior, and values from the world around them. Fathers who demonstrate integrity, responsibility, and kindness become powerful beacons of guidance for their children. They model principles such as hard work, perseverance, and respect, imparting invaluable life lessons that transcend mere words.

Dads serve as living blueprints, showing their children how to navigate the complexities of life. Whether it's teaching them how to ride a bicycle, fixing a broken appliance, or simply sharing a heartfelt conversation, fathers leave indelible imprints on their children's character. By witnessing their fathers' actions, children learn the value of honesty, empathy, and compassion, shaping their own identities and future relationships.

Fathers bring a unique dynamic to the parenting equation, providing children with a different perspective and support system. They are often the calming presence during challenging times, offering encouragement and guidance. Dads foster self-confidence and empower their children to take risks, embrace challenges, and learn from failures. Through their unwavering support, fathers help instill resilience and the belief that their children can overcome any obstacles that come their way.

Moreover, fathers offer a different style of nurturing, promoting independence and self-sufficiency. By allowing their children to explore and make mistakes, dads empower them to develop crucial problem-solving skills and decision-making abilities. Their gentle guidance ensures that children develop a healthy balance between independence and reliance, preparing them to face the world with confidence.

As Father's Day arrives, it is an opportune time to reflect on the memories, moments, and life lessons we have shared with our fathers. It is a time to express gratitude for their unwavering love and dedication. In many families, fathers often bring a touch of fun, adventure, and spontaneity that complements the nurturing qualities of mothers. Their ability to infuse joy and laughter into the family dynamic is truly remarkable.

Remembering those times when dads said "yes" while mom said "no" exemplifies their unique role in creating special memories. Whether it was an impromptu camping trip, an extra hour of playtime, or a surprise treat, dads often serve as the cool and adventurous parent, fostering an environment of excitement and wonder. These moments of indulgence contribute to the bond between fathers and their children and create cherished memories that will last a lifetime.

On this Father's Day, let us celebrate and honor the invaluable role that dads play in our lives. They are the guiding stars that illuminate our path, leading us towards growth, compassion, and strength. Through their actions, fathers shape our character, instill values, and inspire us to become the best versions of ourselves. So, to all the amazing dads out there, thank you for leading by example, for saying "yes" when Mom said "no," and for being the coolest dad we could ever ask for. 

My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived, and let me watch him do it. And for that I am grateful.

 

 

The Demons Within Podcast Episode 1 - "Demons Within"

 In the first episode of The Demons Within Podcast, Greg Miller and Job Pete introduce themselves and discuss Greg's debut novel, Demons Within

The Art of Forgiveness

 

“…he instilled a lot of good qualities in me. One of those things is forgiveness. He always taught me that forgiveness is empowering. Forgiveness is freedom. Or something like that. And he didn’t just tell…he showed me a lot of it. I think that is important for a kid to see…practicing what you preach and all that.”

-Demons Within, Detective Clare Davies

 

Detective Clare Davies started as a supporting character in my mind, but about halfway through the writing of Demons Within, she became not only a main character, but my favorite character. She is strong, but her strength still comes with some weakness. She is knowledgeable, but still exudes a youthful naivety. In the same sentence, she can bestow unexpected wisdom with a touch of humor and sarcasm. And she is a loyal friend, and a fighter who will fight the fight until the bitter end. In other words, she is human.

And a key element of the human condition, at least a mentally and emotionally healthy condition, is the ability to forgive. It may seem counterintuitive for me to discuss forgiveness, considering my last post was about blaming. In order for forgiveness to even be necessary, one must be blaming someone else for some type of wrong. But that’s the beauty of being human. We’re not perfect, and we never will be. It’s about striving for progress, not perfection, and only comparing ourselves to who we were yesterday. There’s always room to improve. And the truth of it is that sometimes we are wronged in a way, whether the person who perpetrates the wrong did it on purpose or unintentionally.

So while forgiving others is of paramount importance on your spiritual journey, the first and most important step to forgiveness, especially for those who are emerging from the darkness of mental illness, alcoholism, and addiction, is to learn to forgive yourself. It can be challenging enough to forgive someone who you perceive as having wronged you, but it’s even more challenging to forgive if that person is yourself. Forgiving yourself for the wreckage of your past isn’t about forgetting it. It is simply letting go of the guilt, the shame, the anger, and the resentment that you hold within. It’s no longer wasting energy on the pain, and learning how to empathize and show compassion for yourself and others. It’s about freeing up the energy of your soul, clearing your conscience, and giving yourself the power to move forward and do the good deeds that God intended us to do in the first place.

A national Gallup poll showed that 94% of Americans believe that it is important to forgive others, yet the same poll shows that less than 50% had actually tried to forgive those who offended them. So even though forgiveness is something that almost everyone agrees is important, it seems that many of us do not know what it looks like or when to do it. And for the people fighting their demons within, it may be   something that seems too painful to undergo.

But regardless of the pain, forgiveness is non-negotiable, and the long term benefits are substantial. As I said, forgiveness can help you let go of the past, and help you focus on the present. Forgiveness can help reduce the stress, anxiety, and depression that rears its ugly head when venturing into the misery of the past. Forgiveness can enhance all of your personal relationships. Studies even show that forgiveness improves sleep and physical health.

To start forgiving, you can take baby steps. Write it out, talk with others, and don’t forget to get in the habit of giving yourself some credit for the progress you’ve made. When you feel ready, take purposeful action. Apologize for your offenses, and as the Big Book of AA says, make direct amends to those you have harmed, unless doing so will injure them or others. Pay back the money you may have stolen, tell the truth to someone you may have lied to, and do whatever needs to be done to genuinely forgive yourself and others. And once you have sufficiently forgiven yourself, and made the amends that needed to be made, you can move on to actually forgiving other people.

Forgiveness is the yin to blaming’s yang, and it is the opposite of the victim mentality. The weak can never forgive, as forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. And though I never would advocate for implementing revenge, forgiveness truly is the sweetest revenge, because it shows you are above the petty bullshit of life. And if the bullshit you need to forgive yourself for is not all that petty, because it involves the deplorable behavior from years of suffering with drink and drug, then you need to look inside and do the work needed to forgive. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness. Because anger, resentment, blaming, and holding on to the victim mentality of the past just makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.

And healthy forgiveness takes hard work and contemplation, but eventually, you will come to realize that forgiveness turns roadblocks into roads. So start forgiving yourself and others, not necessarily because anyone deserves forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. And who doesn’t want peace?

 

Mill P

The Blame Game

\

“And despite these realizations, he just could not let go of the blaming. He could not let go of the emotional payoffs he received from over ten years of falling back on blame. The payoff of feeling like a victim, a martyr, the one deserving of sympathy. The payoff from the empty enjoyment he felt from rationalizations that come to fruition while labeling oneself as the innocent party. Blame, the greatest excuse the human mind can manifest…”

-Demons Within

 

In Demons Within, the character of Bill Dillard struggles with a multitude of character defects. Most of these defects are quite common amongst people who suffer from the disease of alcoholism. In recovery, we come to realize that drinking is only a symptom of the true problem. The true problem is underneath the surface. The lack of coping skills, the inability to forgive, the inane desire to hold onto resentments, and an affinity to always blame others. For everything and anything, no matter what, it’s always the fault of someone else. There is always something to blame.

It’s quite the paradox, that when in the throes of addiction, one can have so much self-hate and self-pity, yet most tribulations they face are blamed on others. This blame is the victim mentality, the woe-is-me attitude, and the instant gratification that is felt when relinquishing any responsibility for your lot in life. 

The main issue with blame, and why it is so prevalent, is because there are a ton of payoffs for the blamer, and it doesn’t matter if the reality of the payoffs are fact or fiction. Blaming allows you to be innocent. It allows you to actually enjoy self-pity, and to be on the receiving end of sympathy. And perhaps the most substantial payoff, is that you get to be the ‘good one’, while someone else gets to be the ‘bad one’. Blame allows you to project your own shortcomings, mistakes, and misfortunes to others in order to protect your Ego.

And that’s why it is so common amongst alcoholics. The underlying issue with many alcoholics is an inability to regulate emotions. In my own experience, regulating emotions with healthy coping skills was non-existent. For me, I coped with emotions by bottling them up, exploding with rage, distancing myself from people who cared, and ultimately drinking away the feelings. And this vicious cycle was often fueled by irrational blaming. Blaming enabled be to remain an asshole, without feeling guilty. If it’s not my fault, than it’s someone else’s, so I can’t be held responsible for my deplorable actions. Right?

Wrong.

Blaming is the world’s greatest excuse, as Bill Dillard realizes at some point in his journey through the story of Demons Within. And the first step out of blame is to see that we are choosing to blame. We also have to be honest with ourselves, and realize that we are choosing to blame, no matter how justified the circumstances appear to be. When you see that you are choosing to blame, as opposed to having to blame, it will soon be internalized that blaming others or ourselves, for anything, is simply not necessary.

Why does something always have to be someone else’s fault? Why does someone always have to be right, and someone else wrong? Why was the whole concept of ‘wrong’ even needed in the first place? No matter the situation, the reality is that what seemed like a good idea at one time just didn’t turn out well. And that’s it. Unfortunate or bad things just happen, and we have to accept that as a part of life. Nearly every spiritual teacher, counselor, and AA aficionado will tell you that accepting hardships is a pathway to peace. Not blaming others. Jock Willink wrote a whole book about not blaming, which he aptly titled Extreme Ownership.

So how do you overcome blame? Once you realize you are choosing to blame, you then have to look at the underlying satisfaction and enjoyment you get out of all the self-pity, resentment, and anger that manifests as blaming. And you have to surrender those little payoffs I mentioned earlier, and you must distance yourself from the victim mentality. In truth, you aren’t the victim of someone else, but you are the victim to your own  mind. Once you accept that, and realize you are choosing to feel those feelings, and choosing to hold onto that blame, you can let it go. Once you merely acknowledge blame and the emotions associated with it, and begin to disassemble them, you can start to notice that you are exercising choice. And once you realize it all comes down to choice, you can move out of the helplessness, the blaming, the shaming, and the hating.

If your soul is cluttered with the desire to blame everyone for everything, it blocks out your ability to see your true inner greatness. So put an end to the blame game, realize blame is always a choice and never a necessity, and go about your day in accord with nature. Take responsibility for the failures and successes that your life will be filled with, and instead of blaming others for misfortune, reframe your mind to see that in the middle of every difficulty lies an opportunity to learn and grow.

 

Mill P

 

Demons Within, a story of hope and despair, spiritual discovery, and a good old fashioned crime thriller, is almost here! Coming soon in Hardcover, Paperback, and eBook formats...

Where Demons Go To Die

“We believe that all people are born with the capacity to love and respect others, and in turn, they are deserving of love and respect themselves. We know it’s not easy for many to believe it, especially the lot that comes to this Mountain. But it’s true….”

-Demons Within, Father Dennis

 

Oftentimes, when the demons of alcoholism and addiction start to gather momentum, that momentum cannot be stopped on willpower alone. In fact, at some point, one must realize that self-will is only feeding the demons within. It has been tragically proven time and time again, that willpower is not enough to alter an urge that has been efficiently and insidiously programmed into your brain.

A crucial component in the battle against these demons, and one of the most powerful pieces of ammunition, is love. And at first, the love I’m talking about isn’t necessarily the love for others, or the love for material things, but love for yourself. Because you can’t have love and compassion for others, until you can have some love and compassion for yourself.

Many people dream of having more love in their lives, even those in the throes of active addiction. Actually, the people in the throes of active addiction could possibly be the portion of the population that most desperately dreams of having more love in their lives. But they are convinced they are unworthy of such love. In reality, people end up adapting to the level of love they already have, or at least the level of love they perceive to have. And that is where the problem lies.

“I am unlovable” is such a deeply ingrained belief in the minds of alcoholics and addicts that it starts to feel like a part of who they are. Then, if they become exposed to genuine love and care, they flee, and cower back into themselves. They push away the people that want to help them the most, and the people who really do love them. And why shouldn’t they? They are being threatened with having a part of their identity taken away.

And when you feel this self-pity and self-hate, your first course of action to remedy it is to ask for help. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way out of the shadow and into the light. When I got to that point, that rock bottom, I had to ask for help. And I found that help at St. Christopher’s Inn, on the holy mountain of Graymoor.

At Graymoor, you receive a holistic approach to recovery from alcoholism and addiction. You get counseling, camaraderie, education, and the runway to take flight with spirituality and a Higher Power of your choosing. You learn the importance of routine, the power of gratitude, and the truth that you are a good man worthy of love and respect.

And they don’t discriminate against any religious denominations. When I was there, I was fighting my demon’s side-by-side with Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Protestants, and atheists. And each one of us found our Higher Power in our own way. No one is ever turned away from St. Christopher’s because of race, religion or an ability to pay. And once you walk through those doors, you become a Brother Christopher for life.

As one Brother Christopher so eloquently put it:

“We have been called to heal wounds, to unite what has fallen apart, and to bring home those who have lost their way. I will never forget this experience I went through in changing and finding out who I truly am. I love myself today and I owe it all to the Friars and Staff at the Inn.”

For me, the first time I made that momentary contact with the purer love of my soul, I felt a surge of energy without exactly knowing how I did it. I knew the lessons I received at St. Christopher’s was a great help in getting to that love, but I couldn’t really place the exact reason. Without warning, I caught a glimpse of unconditional love, and an awareness of God’s infinite presence. And I felt unbounded bliss.

And what St. Christophers taught me, is that every man is born with the seeds of unconditional love. And those seeds want to blossom, but in order for them to grow, you have to tend to them, and let them bear the fruits of said love. You can fill your life with external things that may make you feel a sense of external love – people, places, and things. But the truth is, you can be externally satiated while remaining internally famished.  And that is what places like St. Christopher’s does – they provide you with the tools and resources to nourish your soul, to cast out the demons, and to remove the dark debris that once covered your heart, opening space to both receive and exude unconditional love.

So please, ask for help, and learn to love, because you are a good man worthy of love and respect. I promise….

 

Mill P

 

….If you or a loved one is suffering from the Demons of alcoholism and addiction, please contact St. Christopher's Inn. Or contact me…and I will connect you. You don’t have to fight your demons by yourself….and you need not face your troubles alone. Ever

“The experience of being here and becoming a member of the Brothers Christopher fraternity has changed my life. Being in the Friars house was a blessing. Their generosity gave me knowledge I will carry with me for the rest of my life.”

-A Brother Christopher

 

The Past (and the Ego)

 

“Surrender your will, and move forward, moment to moment, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Only use the past when it is directly pertinent to the now, a source of wisdom, not woe…

-Demons Within, Millie

 

If you are a regular reader of my work, and of this blog in particular, you are going to become very familiar with the Ego. The term Ego is popular in psychoanalytic theory, but it is also used in everyday nomenclature amongst the general public.

Sigmund Freud used the ego, along with the id and the superego, to describe the three components of the human mind. In Freud’s theory, the ego is the part of the personality that arbitrates between the animalistic desires of the id, and the moral and social standards of the superego. That’s a lot of impressive academic jargon, but it’s not for everyone, so let’s look at more popular uses of Ego.

The word and idea of the Ego is the root of several character traits that humans possess. People who are egotistic act upon self-interest, and people who live with egocentrism perceive the world from a personal vantage point. Furthermore, the word Ego is often used by the average person in a more colloquial manner.

If a guy gets rejected by a girl, the humbling experience is often “a hit to the ego.” Ego-lifting is when a person tries to impress others by attempting to lift a weight that is far heavier than their actual strength, often resulting in failure, and sometimes even injury. A lot of CrossFit gyms have signs that say “Leave your ego at the door,” and there are at least a dozen popular songs that are simply entitled ‘Ego’ (Beyonce and Elton John are two that come to mind).

All of those uses of Ego are fine, and they are all interesting and worthy of reflection in their own right, but none of them accurately depict the Ego that I am referring to. For me, and for the interest of this essay, the Ego is the part of your mind that comments, doubts, and speculates on everything. The Ego is driven by a fear of being nothing, and of being forgotten. And it tries to alleviate this fear through identification with material, thought, and emotional elements, giving rise to what you think of as your “self.”

My Ego has been with me through all the early struggles of my life. It’s still there today, but it’s much quieter, and I don’t identify with it. However, in days past, my Ego was screaming at me during the white-knuckled sobriety attempts. My Ego was mocking me when I would fall down and fail, and doubting me when I’d get back up for another round. For some reason, God gave me both an out of control Ego, and an inferiority complex. He instilled in me the lethal combination of an almost arrogant level of self-confidence, but also an alarmingly low level of self-esteem. But…I’ll save those topics for a later date.

So, as I said, the Ego is going to be heavily discussed and revisited throughout the life of this blog, and also over the course of my entire career. And now that I’ve given a brief overview of the Ego, it’s time to drill down to the specific aspect of the Ego that this essay is about: the Ego and the past.

The past is a delicate subject, and there is a fine line when allowing your mind to venture into it. However, for a lot of people who suffer from mental illness, and people who are in the early stages of recovery from alcoholism and addiction, dealing with the wreckage of the past is an important step to wellness.

To do this, you must put your trust in the people who know how to chaperone you through the misery of the past. You need to take the advice of counselors, therapists, and sponsors. You need to be comfortable being vulnerable at twelve step meetings, and in group therapy settings. And you need to learn how to meditate effectively, journal honestly, and release your soul from the bondage of the past.

You need to remember the past while releasing the bitterness, regrets, and hurts that are connected with it. If you are feeling resentment or remorse about the actions of yourself or others, you need to recognize that you are living in the past. And you must never live in the past. It’s helpful to remember what happened in the past so that you will no longer repeat the same mistakes, but instead of ruminating on it, you have to keep directing that energy and attention to what you are doing here and now.

Because the Ego is always living in the past. But you are not your Ego. You are the Being that is aware of the Ego. The rising awareness is what you are, not the voice inside your head. That voice is the Ego, and you are the awareness that is prior to thought, and prior to the Ego.

And since the Ego is always living in the past, constantly ruminating on the past only gives the Ego more life. You must remove the past by observing it as it arises in the NOW. If there is emotional reactivity that blossoms within you because of an Egoic thought about the past, just observe that emotion. Don’t think about it. Don’t talk about it. Just observe it, look at it, and listen to it. The awareness of the moment will dissolve the past in you, and in turn, it will put the Ego back in its place.

The key to pulling your mind out of the past, out of the grips of the Ego, is to recognize that there is wonder in the present moment. Being wholly in tune with the present moment is how you’ll come to know the spiritual essence that connects all of life. Your Ego searches for peace, happiness, and contentment outside of yourself, but instead, you need to discover it within, now and always, in whatever you are experiencing.

You can let your experiences wash over you. The Ego loves longing for a different time, and dwelling in the troubles of the past. It breeds discontent and resentment. And it prevents us from moving forwards and feeling the thrill of life, and all of the gifts offered in the present moment. But they are there. They are there waiting for you to separate your identity from the Ego, and to move forward.

You can practice feeling joyful in the present, and being thrilled with the realization that right now, all is well. All is always well. Life is full of mystery and wonder and each moment of our awareness adds to the wonder.

So let the Ego live in the past, and just be aware that you are not there. You are here. You are now. And if you do this, you are right on target. You are participating in the wonderful, glorious drama of life as it happens. And you are blessed.

 

Mill P